My Relationship with Anger

I think there’s a misunderstanding about anger among men. There’s being angry or being with anger. Being angry and venting, without filtering, and not considering feelings of the people on the receiving end of that anger, is not a healthy sharing of anger. It is what the Buddhists are referring to when they say “anger is the intention to do harm.”

When being with anger, and sharing that I feel angry, I make a conscious effort to consider the impact of sharing on myself and others. The filtering that I feel is needed is my attempt to communicate clearly what’s going on inside of me, from a place of curiosity and wanting to connect with others.

When asked, some men agree unfiltered venting is acceptable in the context of a man “Getting something off his chest.” However, I feel there needs to be a basic agreement about how to safely express that anger.

I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means. Anger is OK, and I feel it’s appropriate to express it. However, being with anger is a practice, even an art. It’s been said that “When a group of men are together, violence can’t be far behind.” That's why, In M3 meetings, we have our 'clearing' process. This process is an opportunity for men to directly explore issues of anger and frustration between one another. I am thankful that we have such a tool.

I do have a concern about a common misconception about anger today - that unfiltered anger is ok and is a feasible solution to the problem of personal discomfort. Anger unchecked actually creates more discomfort, doing more harm, inside and out. I feel like this discussion is dynamic and that it's important to engage in the conversation to help sort out how this is impacting us, and our culture.

Doug Schon